What’s On My Mind

I’ve written some down sided stuff lately and have been plagued by the I just don’t have anything to blog syndrome. I mean sure I could probably find something to blog about but I’ve been finding myself interested in very little lately. I’ve stopped reading the news for the most part… there’s just too much damn negativity and it’s depressing. I’m not really into writing about fluff stuff either so I’ve pretty much fallen silent.

My personal life right now is complicated and a LOT of people just can’t understand but that’s okay. We have normal (HA as if anything in my life is normal) ups and downs of any family but nothing I’ve been really inspired to write about, or at least not in a way I can articulate intelligently. I also don’t want things misunderstood or taken out of context so I’ve just not talked about it. Overall life is really good though. Sure things could be better, but I think that is true in any relationship/family. We are working on it and our family is becoming closer.

There are some international political issues happening right now that has been weighing heavy on us lately. Who would have thought we would be effected by anything that happens in a place most Americans have probably never heard of? It’s not really been a “hot” topic in the American news media but there are a lot of things this country has its dirty little hands in that most of us don’t know about and probably don’t care about because frankly if it doesn’t directly effect us, who gives a damn. That’s the American mentality in my opinion.

What the hell is she talking about, you ask. I’m talking about Kosovo, a province (state) of Serbia, who wants to secede from Serbia and become their own coutry. Naturally, the United States has to stick their greedy little noses in and support Kosovo.

Does anyone remember the American Civil War? How would the United States feel if say South Carolina wanted to secede from this great Union all over again and another country comes in backing them? They would probably be pretty pissed. So why is it that we can stick our noses into other country’s internal conflicts and dictate to others how they are going to run their governments? I’m not talking about squishing terrorism or fighting for human rights. I’m talking about an internal none of the US’s damn business conflict.

Hell if human rights or terrorism was really what motivated the US they would do something about what is happening in Darfur where hundreds, probably thousands of people are being raped, tortured and slaughtered daily. The reason we don’t is because there is not monetary or political gain in helping the people in Darfur. But that’s a different story.

Anyhow I got side tracked… my point to all this is what’s happening in Kosovo and Serbia is going to effect MY family. I tend to get a little more pissed when things can hurt those I love.

I hadn’t intended to go there with this but I guess it is something that’s been on my mind. I do care even if I don’t say much about it.

Inspiration – 18 x24 Oil Painting

I finally finished this painting in March of this year. It took me a while to actually complete it. I began it just before Christmas of last year. I wasn’t happy with the way it was going so I walked away from it for a while. I have to say that I impressed myself with this painting though. It’s really the first full color figure painting I’ve done in ions. Hands I have to say are one of the hardest body parts to paint realistically… the proportions and perspective are so important and difficult to accomplish. I think these turned out rather well. Of course with practice I will get better with the details… Yes, that means I do plan on doing more figure paintings. It’s a challenge and I need a real challenge now and then the keep my skills sharp.

I haven’t been painting for a couple months. Frustration and discouragement played a big part in that, along with dealing with some things in my life. I’m going through a time of change and adjustment but that’s really no excuse. I love painting and I love the feeling I get when I see a painting coming together and then the final results. Things are still crazy in my life but I not only want to get back to painting, I NEED to get back to painting.

This painting is an 18×24 oil on stretched canvas. It will come complete with the frame which compliments the style and subject. The photos really don’t do this justice. It is much more sharp than shown here. I’m going to list in on eBay with a starting bid of $350 and a buy it now of $400. I will also accept offers off eBay so anyone is welcome to contact me directly.

Interest or Commitment

There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when it’s convenient. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results. - kenneth blanchard

SparkPeople Translation: Are you interested in your goals, or are you fully committed? One of the most common complaints among goal setters nowadays is that there’s just not enough time to get to the ones that “really matter.” The real culprit is that most people don’t raise their goals beyond the level of general interest. They’re waiting for a vague time in the future when other things won’t get in the way or when they wrap things up. In other words, when it’s more convenient. And of course, that time never comes, does it? If your goals are truly that important to you, don’t let anything stand in your way. You have the power to say ‘no’ and to set your priorities. Make that commitment and you automatically create an obligation that you’re bound to fulfill.

This applies to both my fitness/health goals and my “career” goals. I’ve slacked badly on my art. Why? Discouragement, self-doubt, frustration, a million other excuses. I know what I want and I know it’s more than just an ‘interest’ so I have to just go after it… really go after it.

I’ve been slacking on my fitness too. There it’s not so much discouragement or anything like that. It’s because our lives are so crazy right now. We’ve been dealing with a lot of things and trying to adjust to some changes. It’s been hard to stay consistant and in turn it’s hurt. Well not really hurt, more like just slowed me down. Plus I’ve not been eating like I should which will hurt if I keep it up! We definitely have to find a balance and get back on track. I know what I have to so I just need to do it.

Family…

What is family? There are so many definitions of “family”.

fam·i·ly [fam-uh-lee, fam-lee]

1. parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.
2. the children of one person or one couple collectively: We want a large family.
3. the spouse and children of one person: We’re taking the family on vacation next week.
4. any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.
5. all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor.
6. Chiefly British. approved lineage, esp. noble, titled, famous, or wealthy ancestry: young men of family.
7. a group of persons who form a household under one head, including parents, children, and servants.
8. a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together: Many hippie communes of the sixties regarded themselves as families.

To most of Americans it means, a mother, a father and children, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. Anything else is just unacceptable. You can not have 2 mothers, 2 fathers or any other combination… 2 mothers, 1 father. Why not? Sometimes we allow society to dictate what is right and wrong in our lives. Who has the right to dictate what makes up a family? What difference does it make to anyone outside the family?

This is something that has been bothering me lately. I grew up in a “straight” family… mother who abandoned us and father who was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive every single day of my childhood. I had a grandmother who stood by and allowed others in the blood family do and say anything they wanted to me no matter how much it hurt. I had/have aunts and uncles who couldn’t care less about what happened to me. I have 2 brothers who don’t give a damn about me or what happens to me unless they want something. I have a sister who barely knows I exist.

Family is people you can count on to be there for you when you need them. Family is people who stand by you and support you through difficult times and celebrate the good times. Family is people who share and give without expecting anything in return. Family is people who love you for who you are not for what you have. That is why these people are not my family and they never have been.

Family can be anyone who you would die for and who would die for you. Family are those you can count on to be by your side through the good times and the bad. Family are those who love you for you no matter what.

I am building my own family. It’s a non-traditional family and a little complicated to explain. I know few can understand or approve but really, that is their problem. I don’t live my life for them, I live it for me. I live it for MY family.

Live your life with love, surround yourself with loved ones regardless of your blood. Life is too short to live any other way.

To Love Someone Means…

To love someone means realizing that the other person is not perfect…accepting that person for the individual they are and accepting everything about that person.

It’s when someone makes you feel good about living, when they bring out the you who is joyful and giving.
It’s when you are given a chance to be strong, or to trust in another to help your along.
It’s when you feel like you’ve been with someone forever in a place where you’re growing and learning together.
It’s when you share life together to build special plans to work side by side to make your dreams all come true.
It’s when you both help each other and encourage each other with smiles, hugs and sincere words of praise.
It’s when you take time to share, to listen and care in tender, affectionate ways.
It’s having someone special, one who you can always depend to be there through the years sharing not only laughter but the tears as a partner, a lover, a friend.

The Right Time

If I always wait for the right time, the right time may never come. Carpe diem. Make it the right time.

Live your dreams as you dream them; otherwise, the “right time” may never come.

A very good friend and mentor of mine once told me I seemed to work hard at making excuses for why things wouldn’t workout.  It was true.  I did work hard at it.  Why?  Because I was scared of failure.

She also told me if I sit around waiting for things to come to me, they never will.  I had to go after what I want and make it happen myself.  Funny, my wife has told me the same thing, not exactly like that but she meant the same thing.

Over the last 9 or 10 months, I have been battling the fear of failure. I’ve been making significant changes in my life… eating healthier, exercising, becoming more positive. This is something I am doing for myself. I know what I want and I’m going after it. I want to be healthier and stronger, both physically and mentally. I want to look and feel better.

It’s not always easy. I’ve hit a few set backs. Set backs are not failures. I may not get there as fast as I want, but I will get there.I am still learning and still growing and changing. But I will not give up.
It kills me when I hear people say… “Oh I’ll start tomorrow.” because tomorrow never comes.
If we let fear hold us back, we will never have what we want.  If we sit around waiting for the right time, the right time may never come.  Or more than likely we will never feel it is the right time, so we will continue to put it off until it’s just too late.

If you don’t want something that is one thing.  But if you are afraid and just don’t feel it is the right time, then don’t let that fear hold you back, make it the right time before there is no time left.

Sculptor’s Attitude

Sculptor’s Attitude
by Author Unknown

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can feel sad that I don’t have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.

Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive.

Today I can lament over all that my parents didn’t give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.

Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.

Today I can mourn my lack of friend or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can complain because I have to go to school or eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.

Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because the Lord has provide shelter for my mind, body and soul.

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.

What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!

Have a GREAT DAY……unless you have other plans.

Most of my life, I never really had the greatest attitude about life. Growing up I was beaten down. I had low self-esteem, zero to no confidence, I was never good enough and could never do good enough.

My adult life wasn’t much better. Bad relationships, bad choices. Nothing I ever did or said was good enough for those who were supposed to love me. All I ever heard was criticism, everything I did wrong was thrown in my face… nothing I did right was ever praised… no thank you… no good job, well done. None of the things that make people feel good about themselves.

This was all pounded into me day after day and I believed it. Who wouldn’t after being told constantly?

Herein lies my biggest problem… well okay one of my biggest problems. (Anger being the other but that’s for another blog.)

I’ve been trying so hard to overcome all the bad that has happened to me throughout my life. I’ve been trying to shake off all the negativity that has plagued me since childhood. I get close… so very close and then BOOM!! Something happens inside my head, just like a switch is flipped and all my hard work seems to disappear. Positive attitude vanishes to be replaced once again by the negativity and self-doubt/hate/whatever.

It seems to be a constant battle for me. Why? I think I have some kind of short circuit inside my head… no seriously. There’s no real concrete reason for me to feel so negative.

This drives not only me crazy but my wife crazy as well. I frustrate the hell out of her and in turn I frustrate the hell out of myself which frustrates her more… on and on. It’s a wonder I haven’t driven that woman over the edge! Sometimes I don’t know how she stands me or why/how she could love me.

I wish there was some kind of “easy” button to adjust my attitude when I fall back into the negative.

The real kicker… I have the ability to be positive. I know it’s inside me and I am capable of really being positive. We joke sometimes about it being one of my alternate personalities (I seem to have a few of these alternate personalities that creep through at times.) If I could just some how grab hold of all the good, positive traits of my various personalities and mesh them all together… I want to… I need to. I ‘m just not sure how exactly but I have to work harder on it.

A Reason, A Season or A Lifetime

People come into your life
for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . .
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are!
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part,
or at an inconvenient time, this person will say
or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered.
And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON….
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons
: things you must build upon in order to have
a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Unknown Author

Been sitting here this morning reflecting over the last couple years of my life… thinking about all the friends I made and all the friends I have lost. I can count the number of friends… including ’surface’ friends on one hand. It’s kind of sad when I think about it.

Some I’ve pushed away, some I made mistakes and they walked away, some simply drifted away.

I don’t make friends easily… when I do it means something and when I lose them it really hurts even when I can’t or won’t admit it.

People say they are your friends and they say they will be there for you. But most of the time what people say and what they do are two totally different things. This is a life lesson I should know well but once in a while it still bothers me.

That is negativity rearing its ugly head. Deep down I know things aren’t as bad as they seemed this morning. It is something I have to work even hard at overcoming.

I’m Home, Goodbye

The sun filtered through the tree limbs hanging overhead. A warm breeze rustled the leaves and birds could be heard singing in the distance. It was the perfect weather to run on the beach, feeling the sand between your toes, playfully splashing the water and laughing; but there was no sand, no laughter and no playfulness.

Silence was broken only by hushed sobbing. Tears fell wetting the faces of those standing beside me, yet no tears fell from my eyes; there was no hushed sobbing within me. Incense tainted the gentle breeze. My head remained raised, eyes staring at the cascade of red and white flowers spread over the wooden box we stood around.

I stood unmoved as the circle parted. People walked by, placing their hand on my shoulder and gave the customary condolences and well wishes. I nodded in acknowledgment but nothing more.

Inside I felt none of the things I should have felt. I was cold and distant. I wished nothing more than for this time to pass so I could get on with my life. Looking back now, I realize many attributed my coldness to mourning or shock. Little did they know that I was not mourning, nor that I had no need to mourn.

I was there only because it was customary and my responsibility to be there. I felt no remorse for the man whose body lay in the box. No one else knew what I knew. No one else cared to know nor cared to wonder why I had not been home in nearly 13 years. What went on behind closed doors stayed behind closed doors. That was the way it had always been.

“Take all the time you need,” the priest said as the last of the mourners left leaving me standing alone with the old man.

I nodded and the man walked away. “I’ve already had time,” I said still staring at the box. “A life time, I have waited for this moment. A life time to escape the things you have done to me.”

I stepped closer to the box. I knelt down and collected a handful of dirt. Standing, I held my arm out with my palm faced up. I opened my clenched fingers. The dirt slowly flowed over the side of my hand and through my fingers, crashing into the top of the box. A gust of wind blew some of the dirt away.

A tiny spark of emotion began to stir deep inside my chest as I watched the dirt float on the breeze. A tear rolled down my cheek. “Goodbye.”

~Kaitlyn © 2006~

 

I wrote this last year as part of a writing challenge for a group I am in. It’s not factual but it is how I felt when my biological father died.

Together in Life, Apart in Illness

Brett Conrad and Patrick Atkins, both 47, met in college and were together for 25 years. Atkins was CEO of his family’s company, Atkins Elegant Desserts; Conrad, a waiter. They shared a house and bank accounts; both men’s names were on their home’s deed. In March 2005, traveling on business, Atkins suffered an aneurysm and then a stroke that rendered him unable to care for himself.

Atkins’ deeply religious parents took over, refusing to recognize the men’s relationship or even to let Conrad see him. Conrad has spent two years trying to win guardianship of his partner.

Because homosexuals have no rights in this great country of ours, Patrick’s parents have successfully come in and taken away nearly everything that is rightfully Brett’s.

“Given the Atkinses’ lack of support of their son’s personal life through the years and given his mother’s astonishing statement that she would rather that he never recover than see him return to his relationship with Brett, we are extraordinarily skeptical that the Atkinses are able to take care of Patrick’s emotional needs,” wrote Chief Judge John G. Baker in the appellate court’s ruling.

Yet the court still ruled the Atkinses have the right as guardians to dispose of his and Conrad’s house, even though it is owned jointly. A lower court gave Conrad one third of the pair’s checking account, but gave the parents most of the other assets, which were in Patrick’s name.

Can you believe this?? Both names are on the deed to the house, yet Patrick’s parents can take it away from Brett. Both names were on the checking account, yet Brett on got ONE THIRD of it. ONE THIRD!!!

After 25 years of being together in a committed relationship, they have been ripped apart by Patrick’s parents. His mother has even gone so far as to make a statement that she would rather Patrick NEVER recover from his stroke than go back to his relationship with Brett! What kind of mother could possibly even think something as hateful and disgusting as that?

The sad thing is, this can happen to any of us simply because we have no rights in this country… only because we happen to love someone of the same sex.

You can read the entire article on Planet Out.